By Lawrence Chang

When I was 21 years-old and in college, my mother passed away after a long battle with cancer. It was during this time that I found myself in a whirlwind of depression and hopelessness. I had believed in Jesus Christ for nearly my whole life, but at that moment, God seemed so far away and uncaring. When I went to a church retreat, the message touched me as the speaker spoke about how God experienced life as a human so that he could understand the struggles we go through, our pain. That night, I poured out all of my frustration and pain before the Lord in tears. Every burden that I had tried to carry by myself, I gave to Him, and He took it. After that weekend, I felt like an enormous weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I discovered that God was not far off, nor was he indifferent to my struggles – He really cared about me!

After the spiritual high I experienced when I rededicated my life to the Lord, I told God that I would give my life to Him and serve Him with all of my strength. So I gave myself to serving in a college ministry at my local church, and would spend hours preparing for each week’s service. My pastor once commented about me that I slaved away for the ministry. On the outside, I was dedicated, passionate, and caring—the model Christian.

Yet some of my friends would comment that I always seemed sad or depressed. Although I was active in church, in private I struggled with many besetting sins, such as fear of failure, performance anxiety, depression, and pornography.

My life revolved around finding the perfect will of God and obeying Him with all of my might. I was determined to live a radical, all-out life for God. I remember one time I vowed not to cut my hair until revival came to my campus. When people heard about my vow, they said, “Wow look at how radical he is!” Daily, my thoughts were consumed with how to make an impact for God’s Kingdom and how to transform my campus with the power of the gospel. These were all great things, but I began to find my identity in the things that I did for God.

When I performed well, I would feel good about my relationship with God, but when I made a mistake or fell into sin, I would feel terrible and that I had failed God. If I didn’t obey the perfect will of God, I worried that I might fall out of favor with Him. This created a tormenting cycle of shame and pride in my life, and I would often swing between the two.

One night I was invited to a friend’s prayer meeting, and found people praying in a strange language, talking about visions they were seeing, and praying for each other’s healing. I didn’t feel anything, but I was intrigued and curious to know more, so I came back the next week, and every week after that. I remember it was the third week at this meeting when I looked up at the ceiling and it was as if I could look the Father in the face. I knew He was looking back down at me. Even though I had heard it so many times,  deep down I knew for sure that He loved me so much, and for the first time in my life I actually felt God’s love! (Later, I realized that this was the work of the Holy Spirit revealing to my heart what my mind already knew.)

In the months following, I began to study the Song of Solomon with this prayer group. It gave us insight into the emotions that Jesus feels for us, as a bridegroom for his bride. The truths that I found inside began to touch my heart, they were like food for my soul. I began to relate to Jesus as a friend and a lover, rather than just a master or boss.

For three years, I experienced a supernatural grace to abstain from sexual thoughts and desires. For someone who had struggled with pornography almost his entire life, this was huge. Not only did I experience freedom from the addiction to pornography, even the desire was gone! Instead, I found my affections growing for Jesus.

In the process, I also found shame losing its power over me. Whereas before I would feel dirty or terrible when I failed or fell into sin, I was now able to stand confident in God’s love, even when I saw the depth of my weakness and character flaws.

A greater peace dominated my life, that people even said they felt a peace around me. I could stay still in one place without feeling like I had to be productive or do something for God in order to be accepted. I realized that so much of my concept of who God was had been derived from my relationship with my earthly father, who always demanded that I succeed in life and compete well in the world. It had been hard to accept the unconditional love of a Father who loved me just because I was me.

Today I am a different person than when I began this journey, by God’s grace. Although I am far from perfect and have many flaws the Holy Spirit is working on, I cherish the words of my Bridegroom over me: “You have ravished my heart, my sister my spouse. You have ravished my heart with one glance of your eyes.” (Song of Solomon 4:9) And I know that despite my weakness, I am beautiful to Him, I am the one that He enjoys, I am the one that has captured His heart.